law abiding citizen

i was raised to listen to authority and not to question them.
so, not surprisingly, i dont mind being ruled by suharto, if not enjoy it.

that remained so until i was a bit older.
when i hit those dramatic teenage years,
i successfully turned to that half-rebellious teen.
you know, all thanks to my parents education.
i enjoyed breaking the law, but always avoided being too excessive.

thanks to this attitude, i was never involved in serious problem,
let alone life-threatening events.
the most serious one?
perhaps, got 3 out of 8 for my music test.
well, it is not out of 9 or 10 because 10 is for God.
and 8 to 9-ish grade is only for girls, to be exact pretty girls. 


so i can safely self-proclaim that i am quite a law-abiding citizen.


there are many laws that i abide in. 
lately, i have been shown more of them. 
from those laws prohibiting us to kill and steal.
to those funnily enforced by those cops around bundaran HI. 


from those you can choose to do or not, like your religious ones.
to those you cant really choose, like the law of newton.

the scariest?
at the moment, i should say those in the family of law of newton.
if i should go narrower, it would be the law of biology.

yesterday, one of my friends shared something on facebook.
she went to get her eye a LASIK.
and since she had that,
her -1.25 eyes have never got better.
they keep worsening each day.
and a couple of times, she had almost resorted to that famous suicidal movement.
with the knife and all the drama.
later, she was even diagnosed that this looks like having only one direction,
that is to get worse.
she went on mentioning that she was left with 10% ability on her left eye,
and around 60% on her right.
this diagnosis scared the shit out of me.
i believe it scarred me more than she could imagine.

it scarred me not because that i was imagining myself to experience that.
it scarred me to know my closed ones to experience that.

and it seems like that we are quite weak when it comes to this.
we are quite helpless.
naturally,
you can't really make the blind see.
you can't really raise the dead.
you can't really make the lame walk.

so, pretty much we are law-abiding.
i once was thinking, resorting to my belief, that it might be good if God ends the world now.
that is like stopping me to see those painful things happening around.
how about let's end this, and let's go to heaven together.
however, i stuck in this concept of heaven.

it is not that i dont believe in heaven. i do believe in it.
it is just that i know that what matters here, wont matter much there.
so, will the excitement to see that law of nature stop be that exciting there?
i guess the answer will be no, right?

you see?
even if i know that this wish is kind of useless,
i cant stop my body to abide in this other law, that is to be anxious of what may come. 
and to go further to imagine that i can escape the anxiety via shortcut. 


i guess i havent changed much from that side of myself from suharto era, a law abiding citizen.